Wednesday, 12 March 2014

cruise into a rock and roll nightmare

There is a rather odd rock phenomena going on in this age of corporate commercial business. It is ageing rockers taking to the high seas on board a state of the art liner heading off to Caribbean, Florida, Mexico and other exotic destinations to perform on what is described as a 'concert cruise'.
It's fully interactive too, giving you the chance, as it were, to "mingle" with the stars.
The rock stars who will avoid mix with you are many and various in there charisma, setting you back a cool $1000 and up for the experience of spending 5 days in their exultant company.
There's a Prog Rock bonanza (Cruise To The Edge.. yes we get-it) casting off on April 5th with an artist list as long as the heavily laden buffet and bar, which is always obligatory on what usually amounts to days of stuffing your face in desperation.

Yes (oh no) - Marillion (with Fish - ha) - Steve Hackett and Genesis Revisited UK (yikes)) - Tangerine Dream (what?)- Renaissance (thought they were folk music last time anyone looked) - Three Friends (ex-Gentle Giant chumminess) - Strawbs (surely not Cousins) etc etc.
Well the list simply go's on and on. Amazingly there's probably 20 or more in total of these old boy bands going so the pay must be pretty good.
So is this really the future for 21st Century Prog rock man? Steven Wilson would probably faint at the very thouight.

But even more terrifying than the 'Prog' tour comes later in the year as Motorhead have recently revealed the lineup for the band’s first-ever cruise. Yes they've called this the 'Motorboat' and it'll sail in September from Miami to Key West and Cozumel, Mexico. And if the thought of Lemmy Kilminster and Co marauding around a cruise ship is not alarming enough...

    "they'll be joined by Megadeth, Anthrax, Zakk Wylde, Jim Breuer, Danko Jones, Fireball Ministry, Wilson and more. The cruise will feature concerts, artist meet and greets, Q&A sessions, wet and wild parties, crazy theme nights and more."

You'll notice here the regular use of the description 'more', which will probably be the golden rule of the tour with a boat full of Heavy Metal rockers and the metal freaks who want a part of this large floating mad house. It's damn sure when Lemmy's doctor suggested a period of rest and recuperation for him after his recent serious illness he wasn't thinking of 5 days aboard a floating mosh pit. Never the less Lemmy has deemed himself fit and raring to go. Although one fears the vessel may not be equipped for a burial at sea if all goes less than swimmingly.

    **"The 'Carnival Ecstasy' (you're kidding), which recently underwent a multi-million-dollar refurbishment, features a tropical-themed resort-style main pool area, multiple dining options, 12,000-square-foot Spa Carnival health club, a jogging track, as well as 12 lounges, bars and nightspots."

They also boast a 24-hour pizzeria, which is probably all any of the metal fans will want and how long it will take them to trash all of the above improvements.
Or as one recent customer had found having taken his family on a once in a lifetime holiday and found he'd actually been booked on the "Cruise to the Edge? Of what? Hell?"
The poor sap had not only been surrounded for 5 days with the constant blitzkrieg of a PA system on full drive but the gruesome experience of "very hairy old rockers gawking at the teenage girls".
A word of advice for any pirates out there on the high seas... avoid this boat.